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Jackie and I definitely had a certain connection, I thought. It was probably true. We started talking with each other even more often than before the party. But, she then gave me some news that affected my way of thinking.

No one had noticed my quietness at school that week following the party. To them, it was probably all the same without any significant change. To me, everything was different. I thought that there was definitely a future if Jackie and I had been together rather than how the situation was at that time.

We were clicking. There was this “thing” between us, even if neither of us admitted to it overtly. She probably thought the same way, but was then kept silent by the fact that I had already been taken. Actually, she probably took the deterrence a little further.

Within only a week or two after her birthday party, Jackie found herself another boyfriend. I do not recall how she gave me the news, but I got it, loud and clear. In a way, it was more of a blessing than a swift kick to my hopes.

Just before I received the word, I was seriously thinking about breaking up with Adrienne, so that I may try something out with Jackie. I was ready to do it, but then Jackie gave me her wonderful news. Like a new car with anti-lock brakes and fresh rubber, everything stopped on a dime.

I felt a little betrayed, of course, but it was her decision. I was not involved. It was not as if she and I really had anything going with each other anyway. So, as quickly as my heart had flown towards her, it had receded back into its former place, putting everything back to normal.

By normal, I mean that I actually stopped talking to Jackie on the phone. I figured that there was no reason to do so anymore. I also cut all contact with her including our internet chats. She had another person she could talk to, which was her newfound boyfriend that seemingly came from nowhere. I also still had Adrienne, who was always there, at least every once in a while, anyway.

What unfolded was actually a great relief. There was no longer any dilemma because in a all actuality, Jackie liked someone else more than she liked me. At least, that was what I told myself. Whether or not it was true, thinking it made everything better. Not having any contact with her also made forgetting her that much easier.

I was back to normal in my outside life as well. I talked at school as much I did before any “dilemma” ever hit me. Nobody had ever noticed that something had happened. Life was good again.

But, like all good things, it had to come to an end.

Intended Goodbye

The next day, Sunday, 9 January 2000, I called Jackie like usual. I was calling her more frequently by then since we had first spoken on the phone. Still, however, the conversations never lasted for long.

Someone else picked up the line (her sister or mother probably), so I asked, “Puwede pong kausapin si Jackie?” which meant, “Could I please speak with Jackie?” in Tagalog. The person on the other end of the line told me to wait and got Jackie to pick up the phone.

We talked for some time, mostly about what unfolded the day before. I told her that I had a great time at her birthday party. She told me that she too had a good time.

Out of the blue, she then asked me, “So which one of my friends did you think was the cutest?” I do not know why she asked that question of me. Maybe it was to elicit the response that I gave her. I wonder if she actually expected me to say a certain person’s name, and if I did, I wonder how she would have reacted.

Truthfully, I responded by telling her that she was the one whom I thought had the “cutest” look. Of course, the way I meant it did not only pertain to her looks. I remember thinking about her friend Charmane and how she looked that night at the party. I thought she was pretty, yes, but I did not know her enough to say that she was the cutest, per se.

If one were to ask my friend Justin about who he thought was prettiest at the party, he would have said Jackie, also. He was practically asking me on the ride home to hook him up with her. Actually, knowing Justin, he probably did ask me straight out. Once he met her, he automatically had an attraction towards her. Joel probably did, too, but he did not mention anything. Either way, it was agreeable that my response to her question was correct by many standards.

It is probably quite apparent to her that I still liked her. Of course, I was not hiding that fact, especially that night. I never hid that from her, like I wrote before. And, it seemed that she was not hiding much from me either…

She told me that when we were saying our goodbyes the night before, on her driveway, she actually wanted to say goodbye to me a different way. Not with a hug, but with a kiss on the cheek. That may not seem much, but at sixteen and meeting for the first time, that would have been a big deal if it happened. All I could respond with was, “Oh,” and some silence. Being reminded that she liked me back made me like her even more. My heart was weak for that kind of thing. My emotions were sensitive to any slight stimulation.

Adrienne had no knowledge of these things. At times, I am sorry to say, I forgot about her while I was interacting with Jackie. But when I talked with Adrienne, I was immediately brought back to her kind sweetness, her good nature, and her other lovable characteristics.

I called Jackie more often after that, but at the same time, there was finally a visible change in my demeanor that was caused by the situation in which I had put myself. For the rest of the following school week, I remained quieter than I usually was. It was not because I was so happy that I could only think of the two girls that I liked and apparently felt the same way about me in return. It was because I was so confused that I liked two girls who also liked me back.

I was thinking that I had to choose one. I could not go on making connections with two different people at the same time. First, it was unethical and immoral. Second, it was unhealthy. I had to choose to either stay with Adrienne, who I liked very much, or to stop what I had with her and try something out with Jackie. Then, there was a third option of doing nothing, and even a fourth option of ending up with no one.

How could I make that kind of decision? Fortunately, the decision was made for me this time.

Party

So there we were, standing in front of her house. Her family’s Toyota van was in the driveway along with another SUV. Other cars were parked on the street, making it impossible to find parking nearby. Surely these cars were of her many relatives and friends that attended. The two-car garage door was opened., while the single-car garage was closed. A DJ was spinning some records inside with a few teenagers standing off to the side. The sun was still out when we arrived, so to them, the party has not yet started.

Joel asked me, “Which one’s Jackie?” I looked up and around, but did not see the face that was on the photograph she had sent me online two months before. To my rescue, I had come with two of the most outgoing guys in school who just happened to be my friend (I was actually quite shy, and still am somewhat—it was a surprise that I met her in the first place being the type that I am).

After I responded that I did not know, Joel went up to the first person he saw. It was a person I later came to know as one of Jackie’s best friends, Charmane. When I first met her, the first thought I had was how unorthodox her name was for a Pinay. Joel asked her where Jackie was, even though he did not know either Jackie or Charmane at the time. And at that moment, a figure appeared from behind the door leading into the house from the garage.

Her gaze went straight to Charmane, who was just turning to look for the answer to Joel’s question. Immediately, all of our sights were set on her. That was it. There she was with quite a puzzled look on her face. Her first impression must have been that Joel was myself because he was the one asking the question. My first impression was that this girl was pretty cute in person. She was as tall as me and not as skinny as her friend Charmane, but I did not care.

I introduced my two companions and myself. We hugged for our first meeting. That moment must have been quite odd. I was not the best looking of guys (and still am not), so I do not know what went on in her head. The one thing I remember was that she had told me earlier not to tell anyone that we met online—we supposedly met through a friend—but nobody ever asked about it.

She was wearing a shirt and a skirt, supposedly having changed out of her jeans after her face was planted into her birthday cake earlier in the day. Her body was slim, though not model-slim. The best way I could describe her was average. She was not overwhelmingly beautiful, nor was she even a hint un-pretty. I just remember being a little more attracted to her once we finally met in person.

We spoke here and there throughout the party. She was busy attending to her other guests. It was her sweet sixteen after all. A few of her other friends had shown up by nightfall. They were the typical high school Asian crowd of 2000. The males had faded, spiked hair; the females were short with straight, lightly colored hair. All were wearing casual clothing with a hint of formality, as was I with my dress shirt and blue jeans.

Joel, having been the break-dance specialist from our high school, took over the dance floor most of the night. Justin followed suit with his own moves. They would use Jackie’s little cousin to clear the floor by swinging him around like a helicopter blade. Once the floor was clear, the two would come out with their individual routines. I joined the action with a few moves of my own. In hindsight, maybe I should not have done so—I was hardly the dancing king.

At one point during the night, my friends had noticed that I had yet to dance with Jackie. Joel took her to dance and then dragged me along to follow them. He soon left us alone, just Jackie and I, dancing near the middle of the garage, quite close to each other, just having fun.

The only song I could remember them playing was Limp Bizkit and Method Man’s “N 2 Gether Now.” I remember that song because I found myself dancing to it again with Jackie a few months later. Every time I hear that song these days, it brings me back. It is not exactly the most romantic of songs to remember, but it is a remembrance nonetheless.

After a few hours, Justin called his mom to pick us up. It was time for us to go home—we were outsiders in their world. Once she arrived, Justin and Joel hopped into the Toyota Forerunner. I took a moment with Jackie to say goodbye on her driveway next to one of the cars there. We hugged and parted our ways, but not before I gave her the present I had finally decided on earlier that day. It did not mean much for me when I gave it to her, but it being what it was, it must have seemed like a big deal.

What I gave her was a necklace with a cross on it. It was worth $16, but I had gotten it for free a few months ago because my sister ordered something from a catalog that my school used as a fundraiser. I had also just gotten a newer necklace with a smaller crucifix a month or two beforehand, so the necklace that I gave Jackie was no longer being used by me. Nevertheless, I gave her the necklace without much thought. All I did think of was that maybe she would like it.

I finally got into the Toyota and left the scene with my two friends. For the rest of the night, she was all that I could think of. It must have been the best night of my life at that point. Even for the duration of the following week, I could only think of her. But everything was not exactly that easy. After all, Adrienne and I were still officially together.

So, even though I did just experience the best night of my life, it was actually the harbinger of the toughest times of my existence. The weeks and months that followed were the most difficult for me, emotionally. It was a roller coaster of feelings affected by the slightest of things. I should have know that I was not getting out of my sophomore year in high school unscathed.

Happy Birthday

Everything that happened thereafter now seems to have been inevitable. With Jackie and I conversing on a somewhat regular basis, we were bound to meet each other in person sooner or later. It was sooner than I thought and later than I hoped. Equally true: Adrienne was bound to find out about Jackie.

It was winter break—late December 1999—just before Y2K was supposed to crash the world’s computers. I had met more people online by that time, including two girls who are the only remaining names from my old AOL days that are still on my buddy list, one of which is like a little sister, and the other who could have complicated my situation even further (but she already had a boyfriend at the time, and there is something about unavailable women that make me like them less). Jackie’s birthday was coming up the next month, and for some reason, she invited me.

Now, I do not know what it was that made her have that certain affinity towards me in the past. Maybe it was because she had just broken up with an abusive boyfriend (who happened to share my name) and I was someone that was being nice to her. Maybe it was because she had to transfer to the newly built school in her area, having to leave some friends behind in her former high school, which then clouded her thoughts. Whatever it was, she still invited me to her birthday party and told me that I could bring a friend for company.

The party was slated to be on the eighth of January—a Saturday. Her real birthday was on the eleventh, which fell on a Tuesday, so she decided to have the party earlier on the weekend. I do not know how I still remember that, but I do.

Of course, I said yes to her invitation. How could I not? I obviously still had my own affinity towards her, and I was not about to pass up an opportunity to meet her in person. Out of courtesy, I talked it over with Adrienne before I actually went. I had seen many television shows and movies before to know that hiding things from a significant other will only make things worse. Apparently, however, I had not seen enough to know that I should not have hidden the fact that I still liked Jackie at the time.

So that was how Adrienne first heard of Jackie. I am not quite sure if I mentioned that we met online, but it did not matter. Adrienne was okay with me going. She was really an understanding person, even more so than I thought anyone could be.

The clock struck midnight on New Years Eve, and nothing happened to our computer. Nothing happened to anyone’s computer. It was all just a scare. All that was left was the trash from the celebration the night before. Then a week passed, and it turned into the eighth of the month.

I had asked my closest friend at the time, Justin, if he wanted to go with me to the party. Of course, he obliged after hearing the word “party.” Our friend Joel came with us, too. My neighbor was also supposed to go with us, but after dropping by home from the mall (where I was looking for a gift), his parents made him stay.

My mother (how embarrassing, huh) then drove the three of us to Jackie’s house. We stopped at the corner, upon request from Justin, so that we could walk to her house instead of them seeing us dropped off. She then told me to be careful and blah, blah, blah—the usual motherly things—then left for home, leaving us there, with nothing else to do but go to that party.

Telephone

Surprisingly, we stayed friends—Jackie and I. I did not expect anything out of it, of course. We knew our limits by then. But, like all girls that I have liked before, I never really quite stopped liking her. Something inside of me just told me to tone it down a bit.

One way or another, she gave me her home phone number (mobile phones were not so commonplace yet). She must have asked me to call her because I was not so good with telephone conversations, so I had no reason to do so voluntarily.

I obliged and called her. It was late November 1999, maybe early December, by that time. I was not too worried with school—I had been doing quite well for years. All I was worried about was what to say to her every time we spoke. It was not frequent when I called her. It was sporadic at most. I tried to speak to her in a natural tone, but of course there was still that feeling towards her that I could not fully hide from her or myself.

One thing was certain, though: every time we spoke on the phone, something was bound to come up that would make us have to stop speaking with each other. Whether she had to go do something or her older sister needed the phone, it did not matter. We could never have a truly full conversation over the line. I began to suspect that she was doing it on purpose. Maybe she was just being nice. But she kept taking my calls and still corresponded with me online. Either way, I did not let it get to me. I was probably blinded. Plus, it was not as if I was going to date her; I was already taken.

At this point, nobody knew what was going on in my life. None of my family or friends knew about Adrienne or Jackie. They did not suspect a thing. My studies were unaffected, and the same went for my social life—whatever there was that I could have called a “social life.”

Everything that was happening outside of my normal lifestyle was completely hidden from the rest of the world. It was not such a conscious effort. That was just how I handled things.

It took a long time before I could actually share my secret life with other people, and by then, it was because I was going crazy.

Misunderstood

Looking back now, the “Ninja” seems like such a fitting nickname for her. She was quite the sneaky one, always working covertly. I never really knew what she was thinking. At the same time, she never really told me what she was thinking. And, for all of the time that I have known her, I was never really sure what went on in her head.

Her name was Jacqueline—Jackie for short. We spoke again with each other. I do not know when it was, but it must have been in the middle of November 1999. I also do not remember what we talked about but it must have led to a conversation about me having a girlfriend. I am not sure if she had asked me or if I offered the information freely. Either way, she ended up knowing. I only know this because of what happened next.

Towards the end of the month, I signed onto AOL as usual, but this time the man’s voice said, “Welcome. You’ve got mail!” I looked in my inbox and found an email from Jackie. Again, my blurry memory will not let me recall the details of the email, but the gist stayed with me.

It apparently had been a reaction to finding out that I now had a girlfriend at the time. She then informed me that her wanting to have kept me “company” earlier on did not mean just for the moment. It had the tone that she was a little regretful for not having snatched me first. How flattering, right? With my fading memory, I cannot even say for sure now that it was an email—maybe it was an actual IM conversation. Either way, the effect was the same.

It made me realize how much I liked her from the start. It also made me start to second-guess my relationship with Adrienne, but ultimately, all I could do was feel flattered, and then feel bad for the both of us because I was committed to making my new relationship last. I could not imagine myself breaking Adrienne’s heart and becoming the cause for a break-up at any time.

There was nothing else to do. I had to shrug it off that some other girl that I liked also liked me back. I did not know that back when we first met. I could not say, however, that it did not make me think. I still liked Jackie, and I never, at any point, hid that fact from her.

Maybe everything was happening a bit too fast. I did consider that. But, there was no turning back. I took the path and it was a one-way road—it seemed as if it was, anyway.

It was not, of course.

Little did I know back then that that one email would start the snowball rolling. Everything that happened thereafter only made it harder for me to forget Jackie’s intentions. And Adrienne’s niceness did not alleviate the situation either—it only made it more difficult for me.

In hindsight, however, maybe none of it would have been so difficult if I had only noticed one important fact that is still true to this day: Jackie never actually told me that she liked me.

Colorado

This story may seem as normal as any other, but what should be noted is that Adrienne and the Ninja are two different people. So, no matter how happy the beginning of this story seemed to be, it had already developed a twist from the start.

Adrienne was from Colorado, somewhere in or around Denver. She was my age, Vietnamese, and Buddhist. Months after we met, she told me that we actually had more in common than I had initially thought. I understand now how that was possible.

It did not matter to me back then that we did not know what each other looked like. That added to the sweetness of the relationship. It also did not matter that our relationship was long-distance. In a global perspective, we were not that far from each other. A state or two, and maybe the Rocky Mountains separated us, but to the minds of two young, naïve high school sophomores, that distance was close to nothing.

We actually rarely conversed with each other after that—maybe once every two weeks or even three times in a month on average. It was not much of a big deal that it turned out that way. What mattered to us was that we liked each other and were happy whenever we did have a conversation.

One day, she actually gave me a surprise. While talking to each other online, she asked me for my phone number. I obliged and gave it to her. Then, without hesitation, my phone rang. There were two phone lines at my house, and my dial-up connection to AOL was jacked into the secondary line, so when she called me, I was able to stay connected to the internet.

Anyway, I picked up the phone, and on the other end of the line was Adrienne. She had a cute, somewhat high-pitched voice that other Asian girls had at that age. We spoke for a minute or two, but I had to go—it was dinnertime. That was the only time we ever heard each other’s voices.

After we had gotten together, I forgot about all the other girls that I had ever liked up until then. I even forgot about the Ninja for a while, until, of course, we spoke to each other again a week or so later.

Girlfriend

Saturday, 6 November 1999. It was a date that I could not forget, and apparently still. Of course I would normally not have been allowed to forget it, but she was nice enough to probably have let me.

It was another Saturday night spent in front of the family Packard Bell computer. I was only fifteen at the time and had yet to get my driver’s license, so I had nowhere to go, nor did I have people to see. It was after dinner and it was time to hear the man’s voice again say “Welcome.”

I cannot remember where. I do not even remember how. It just happened. It was as if the actual meeting was not important. All that mattered was the goodbye.

We found each other in a chat room, probably, and ended up conversing through the Instant Messenger service privately for some reason. That kind of thing was normal. I did not care about the how or why—at least, not back then.

Her name was Adrienne, by the way. She was the sweetest girl I could have ever imagined. From the words that she used, I could tell that she was quite a nice person, with a unique way of thinking. At first glance, we may have seemed incompatible, and maybe we were. By the end of the night, however, none of that mattered.

The details of the actual conversation faded away from my memory long ago, but what I do remember was how we parted ways. It was nearing the end of the night, maybe some time after ten o’clock. It was time for her to go to bed, and the same went for me. Again, the next day was Sunday, of course, and there were obligations to be fulfilled. What I recall the most was not what was said, but how long it took to say. What I mean is that after thirty minutes, we were still chatting away, saying our goodbyes. Then it took another thirty minutes to actually sign off. So, from the time we decided to leave each other in peace to the time we actually left, an hour had passed. That was some goodbye.

In the end, after a few complimentary comments to each other (that may be an understatement), she then asked me, “So does this mean now that I’m your girl and you’re my man?” I cannot remember the exact wording, but the effect was the same.

Corny as it may seem, the only words that I could muster from my brain were, “Well, if that’s the way the cookie crumbles.” Then, in an instant, that was that. We were together.

Our feelings and emotions became tangled with each other, and it seemed to swallow us both. Before I knew it, I had jumped into something. That something: I do not know exactly what it was—a relationship, perhaps—but I jumped into it all the same.

“Goodbye,” said the man’s voice. I shut down the computer and went to bed, no longer a single man.