Is This the End?

For a long time now, I have forgotten about everything. It no longer mattered. It no longer played a role in how I lived my daily life. But, now that I am revisiting my past and recounting what happened, the memories become vivid again—the same memories from which I have tried to escape for so long now. Even at this moment, I am dreading having to retell the entire incident for fear of becoming stuck within it again.

This is why it has taken me so long to get to this chapter in my story; however, there is no avoiding it. If I truly feel that it must be told, then I must tell everything.

What followed the dance was a week of hell for me. The dance only served to intensify my feelings towards Jackie and cause more confusion in my life.

That Sunday, I began to feel it more and more. After having slept so soundly with the best day of my life under my belt, I woke up with premonitions of the end.

The following Monday, I was completely quiet at school, even before my closest of friends. The same went for that Tuesday and Wednesday. My silence was so loud that even my friend who I walked with from day to day noticed the difference in my behavior. He asked if anything was wrong, but I shook it off as if nothing had bothered me.

The truth was that everything else was okay in my life except for my “situation.” What made my situation even more difficult was my chat with Adrienne around the beginning of that week, at the start of May. After nearly six months of being “together,” we had yet to see each other’s faces, but it just so happened that Adrienne and her family had a get-together, where she had the opportunity to take pictures. She took that chance to scan the photographs and send them over to me.

I finally saw what Jackie had looked like. She was beautiful, just as I had known. She had this cute face that somewhat resembled an old friend of mine and at the same time resembled the little girl from “Rush Hour” the movie—the one who got kidnapped after having sung Mariah Carrey’s “Fantasy” in the back of their car. The shallower side of me made me like Adrienne more because of those pictures, but a bigger part of me also felt a large amount of guilt towards her because of what had been going on inside my head.

We chatted like usual. I also told her about the dance and what I thought about it. But, like always, we had to cut our conversation short. It was rare for her to be online for even a short time. What is a little weird, however, is that around the time of the dance was when Adrienne and I had started talking with each other more often, as if she had just become more available for me to interact with her.

That whole first half of the week, I had the largest mental battle I had ever had in my life. I could not believe that such a thing was happening to me: two girls whom I had liked also liked me back…at the same time. It was like a dream come true for any other guy, but it had become a nightmare for me.

All of my friends around me who had known kept pressuring me to break up with Adrienne and pursue something with Jackie. That was the typical response whenever I had brought up my situation to anyone. No one I knew ever tried to tell me to stay with Adrienne except myself. In fact, Jackie, herself, was telling me to stay with Adrienne by then.

That Thursday, my situation had escalated (in my head). I had spoken to Jackie online and over the phone about the dance and what I had felt. I had also spoken to Adrienne about the dance and how I had this dilemma inside me.

It was 4 May 2000, after dinner. I was sitting in front of the computer chatting with Adrienne and a few other friends who were online. Adrienne and I had then got to talking about my “situation.” Adrienne kept telling me that if I really did like Jackie, then I should go for it. She was willing to break off the relationship for me to pursue what made me happy. She said that she had felt that way because of how she had gotten together with me. Apparently, she had to give up on another guy because of me. It was hard for me to believe, but I did, and that only made even more difficult to let go.

I thought about it more and more, and even got to chat with Jackie at the same moment. So there we were, all online at once. I was having a private IM conversation with Adrienne and another private IM conversation with Jackie at the same time.

Adrienne’s window was on the top left portion of my screen while Jackie’s was right below. The more I talked with Jackie, the more I liked her. But, she also told me to stay with Adrienne. Everything was so confusing. The two girls whom I had feelings for and had feelings for me were both telling me that I should stay/get with the other if it was what made me happy.

In Adrienne’s case, she told me to go for Jackie because she knew how I felt. She also reassured me that she would always be there for me no matter what I decided. She said that she would be there if it did not work out.

In Jackie’s case, she told me to stay with Adrienne, as if she was afraid to be the cause for a break-up. I knew I liked her and I felt a connection whenever I was with her. The impression that I had gotten from her was that she just did not want to be the reason that I had broken up with anyone but that she also did like me at the same time.

What a dilemma. I did not know what to do—whom to choose. I kept thinking to myself that I had always thought with my brain before that moment, and I always saw that in movies and on television that it was better to think with your heart for such situations. I had never thought with my heart before—I never needed to, nor did I ever have the chance. This was my first experience with such a heart-wrenching moment.

I never had to choose between two things before that I liked so much. I never had to choose between two girls before. I was never even liked by two girls before. From what I had known, I was never liked by any one girl before (though now I know otherwise). All of this had been so new to me. I had never gone through anything like it before in my life. Nothing was even close.

In the end, however, I made a decision that was to change how everything was going to unfold from then onward. With all that I had felt towards Jackie, it was obvious. She was the girl whom I had feelings for from the start. It was only bad timing that prevented anything from happening in the first place. I thought that she was the one who was meant to be.

So, in resolution, I told Adrienne that maybe it had been better off if we stopped what we had. I could not take what was going on anymore. I felt like I was going to explode and collapse in my seat.

In turn, I asked Jackie a question. I asked her if she would consider getting together with me. It had been obvious that I had such strong feelings towards her, and at the same time, she felt something towards me, even if we never said it explicitly to each other.

Once the split from Adrienne had become finalized, I felt a slight release—a relaxation. But after Jackie’s response to my question, everything tightened up. My chest literally contracted, and it became difficult for me to breathe.

Jackie had responded that she “wasn’t ready for a relationship” at that time. It may not mean much to a girl, but to a guy, those words are some of the most difficult to swallow.

I began choking on my own emotions and quickly resolved that it was probably better that way. If I did not know with whom I should be with, it was probably best if I had been with no one. At least, that was what I told myself to make me feel a little better.

In fact, I had hurt so much that I wanted to cry, except that no tears were coming from the ducts in my eyes. I was incapable of crying at that moment—the moment when I really needed to cry the most.

I cannot recall what happened after that. I know that I went to bed with the pain still in my chest. I also know that for about a week or so afterwards, I had reached a whole new decibel of silence previously unsurpassed.

I just needed to not think about it. It brought back the pain every time I did.

Now, however, I feel nothing. Maybe now I am desensitized to it because I have already thought about it so much. Nevertheless, I still remember, even if now it is no longer as painful as it had used to be.

Thereafter, I cut off communications with both Jackie and Adrienne. Adrienne and I were officially over. Jackie, on the other hand, became too difficult for me to talk to. There became awkwardness on my part to talk to her. I did not want to complicate anything more after that.

Much to my surprise, this had not been the end of my story, no matter how much I had wished it were at the moment. Even though I had immediately adopted the mentality of trying to forget, there were some things that just did not go away.