Waiting

So we talked. What did we talk about? We talked about the things teenagers talked about—stuff. What I remember talking most about with Jackie, though, was her boyfriend.

We were both unavailable then, so it was easier to talk about that type of thing. It was a little more comfortable speaking with each other also since we knew that there could not possibly be anything between us. As for me, I felt a little safer knowing that she had a boyfriend and I could not do anything about it. It meant that I could stop thinking about how I liked her, because no matter what she had someone else already.

It was March of 2000 when we started talking more on the phone. What interested me most about our conversations was that they were mostly about how bad of a boyfriend she had. There was something inside of me that hoped she would end it with him so that maybe I would have a chance again. That was such a stupid thought, however, because I was still with Adrienne. How could I possibly have thought that way? But, the fact of the matter was that I did think that way.

I listened to her every word when she spoke over the telephone. I cherished every moment of it, and, like I always had up to that point, I wished those conversations would never end. (What a good boyfriend I was, huh?)

I just let her talk about anything she wanted, and most of the time it was about her significant other who seemed as if he was never there. I felt like I listened to her more than he ever did. Maybe that was true—only she can say. Like usual, though, our conversations never lasted for long. She would have to go for some reason and I would have to call her back some other time, even though she told me that she would call me back immediately.

Every time I heard her voice talking about how bad of a boyfriend she had, I kept wishing and wishing that they would split. I waited. I knew it was inevitable. From how she spoke, I felt that they would not last. She seemed frustrated. I knew she deserved better than him.

Towards the end of the month, I felt the moment coming ever closer. She was growing more upset by his actions, or more accurately, his in-action. Then, one day, during one of our typical conversations, she told me: they had broken up.

It was about time, I thought.

Then, just as fast as they had broken up, my feelings for her returned. Of course, they had been there all along, rooting for the demise of her supposedly bad relationship. Unlike after her birthday party, however, I controlled myself more. I did not have an immediate urge to break it off with my own girlfriend. That would have been hasty and stupid. And, although I was socially stupid back then, I used a little restraint and let her have her space for a while.

I still talked to her over the phone on a regular basis, still listening with my undivided attention. But, since her break-up, I felt like I wanted to know her even more—be even closer to her. I kept my cool and did not change my demeanor when we spoke, but deep down inside, I was jumping with joy knowing that we were still cool with each other even though she was single again and that maybe I again had a chance.

Unexpected

My friend Christian and I were walking around the mall one day, some time late February or early March of 2000. It was a one-storey outlet mall, and we were somewhere one the south side when all of a sudden Christian spotted someone looking in our direction.

The reason Christian and I were there was because he was going to meet up with an old classmate. He had gone to another school our freshmen year of high school and had made little to no friends there. Once he moved back to our city, he met this girl online that had gone to his school and apparently was in his class. They had not spoken in person before that, but knew who each other were. That day at the mall, they were just going to say hello, and like a friend, I came along. Later, they would call each other their “destined friend,” or something to that effect, because even though they had class together before, it was not until they met online that they actually started to become friends.

Before it was time for them to meet, however, we made our way around the mall, just to walk and kill time. I remember that I was wearing the same cargo jeans that I had on at Jackie’s party. Those were my favorite pair of jeans until they were stolen from my P.E. locker—I had to find another favorite pair of jeans after that.

Coincidentally, Jackie, Charmane, and Jackie’s little cousin were also walking around the mall in the opposite direction. I was speaking to Christian when he spotted the two girls looking in my direction as if they knew me. For some reason, I turned to look at them, as if something inside me had told me to turn around as we passed each other. At the same moment, Christian pointed out what he saw, and with a slight glance, I confirmed what he had witnessed.

In fact, they had stopped walking twenty feet behind us and had their bodies pointed directly towards me, waiting for me to acknowledge their presence. And, just as I always do with something that takes me a few seconds to recognize, I gave them a squinted look with a slight tilt of the head and a quizzical thought. Then, after I had recognized Jackie and Charmane, I un-squinted my eyes and began walking in their direction.

We met half way and immediately greeted each other, still with a somewhat surprised look on my face. I then introduced my friend Christian to them and began chatting with Jackie.

It had been a while since we last spoke. It was probably when I heard that she had a boyfriend that I last conversed with her. Looking back now, I believe it was through the internet that I found out, because I am sure that she did not tell me with her own voice.

My friend Christian stood aside while we spoke, while Charmane and Jackie’s cousin walked towards one of the stores to give us privacy. We did not speak for long, just like whenever we spoke on the phone. I had nothing to say, so I ended the conversation quickly, although I did not want to end the moment. I saw that my friend was starting to feel a little awkward, so we said our goodbyes and left each other to whatever we had been doing beforehand.

I was not totally surprised to see Jackie at the mall, though. After all, she did work there at the time. In fact, she worked at the AMC movie theater connected to the mall, just outside of Gameworks. Her sister had worked there and she apparently followed. I had known that and actually expected to see her around the mall that day, though not fully aware of it.

A few minutes later, Christian and I made our way to Gameworks to meet his friend Regina. She was accompanied by her older brother, who I knew was Pilipino, but looked as if he was Latino; he had a shaved head and was wearing a baseball jersey. I was somewhat intimidated by him when I first saw him standing with Regina. I found out later that he was actually intimidated by me sitting there at the high table. (I had a way of dressing in high school that made me look as if I was part of some Asian “mafia” gang. In reality, I was far from being in one. I was the exact opposite with a top-ten ranking and honors.)

Feeling somewhat guilty for having cut all communications with Jackie after her birthday party, I started calling her again. We also started talking online again. For one reason or another, it felt as if I could not just forget about her so easily. There seemed to be something that just would not let us let each other go.

Back to Protocol

Jackie and I definitely had a certain connection, I thought. It was probably true. We started talking with each other even more often than before the party. But, she then gave me some news that affected my way of thinking.

No one had noticed my quietness at school that week following the party. To them, it was probably all the same without any significant change. To me, everything was different. I thought that there was definitely a future if Jackie and I had been together rather than how the situation was at that time.

We were clicking. There was this “thing” between us, even if neither of us admitted to it overtly. She probably thought the same way, but was then kept silent by the fact that I had already been taken. Actually, she probably took the deterrence a little further.

Within only a week or two after her birthday party, Jackie found herself another boyfriend. I do not recall how she gave me the news, but I got it, loud and clear. In a way, it was more of a blessing than a swift kick to my hopes.

Just before I received the word, I was seriously thinking about breaking up with Adrienne, so that I may try something out with Jackie. I was ready to do it, but then Jackie gave me her wonderful news. Like a new car with anti-lock brakes and fresh rubber, everything stopped on a dime.

I felt a little betrayed, of course, but it was her decision. I was not involved. It was not as if she and I really had anything going with each other anyway. So, as quickly as my heart had flown towards her, it had receded back into its former place, putting everything back to normal.

By normal, I mean that I actually stopped talking to Jackie on the phone. I figured that there was no reason to do so anymore. I also cut all contact with her including our internet chats. She had another person she could talk to, which was her newfound boyfriend that seemingly came from nowhere. I also still had Adrienne, who was always there, at least every once in a while, anyway.

What unfolded was actually a great relief. There was no longer any dilemma because in a all actuality, Jackie liked someone else more than she liked me. At least, that was what I told myself. Whether or not it was true, thinking it made everything better. Not having any contact with her also made forgetting her that much easier.

I was back to normal in my outside life as well. I talked at school as much I did before any “dilemma” ever hit me. Nobody had ever noticed that something had happened. Life was good again.

But, like all good things, it had to come to an end.

Intended Goodbye

The next day, Sunday, 9 January 2000, I called Jackie like usual. I was calling her more frequently by then since we had first spoken on the phone. Still, however, the conversations never lasted for long.

Someone else picked up the line (her sister or mother probably), so I asked, “Puwede pong kausapin si Jackie?” which meant, “Could I please speak with Jackie?” in Tagalog. The person on the other end of the line told me to wait and got Jackie to pick up the phone.

We talked for some time, mostly about what unfolded the day before. I told her that I had a great time at her birthday party. She told me that she too had a good time.

Out of the blue, she then asked me, “So which one of my friends did you think was the cutest?” I do not know why she asked that question of me. Maybe it was to elicit the response that I gave her. I wonder if she actually expected me to say a certain person’s name, and if I did, I wonder how she would have reacted.

Truthfully, I responded by telling her that she was the one whom I thought had the “cutest” look. Of course, the way I meant it did not only pertain to her looks. I remember thinking about her friend Charmane and how she looked that night at the party. I thought she was pretty, yes, but I did not know her enough to say that she was the cutest, per se.

If one were to ask my friend Justin about who he thought was prettiest at the party, he would have said Jackie, also. He was practically asking me on the ride home to hook him up with her. Actually, knowing Justin, he probably did ask me straight out. Once he met her, he automatically had an attraction towards her. Joel probably did, too, but he did not mention anything. Either way, it was agreeable that my response to her question was correct by many standards.

It is probably quite apparent to her that I still liked her. Of course, I was not hiding that fact, especially that night. I never hid that from her, like I wrote before. And, it seemed that she was not hiding much from me either…

She told me that when we were saying our goodbyes the night before, on her driveway, she actually wanted to say goodbye to me a different way. Not with a hug, but with a kiss on the cheek. That may not seem much, but at sixteen and meeting for the first time, that would have been a big deal if it happened. All I could respond with was, “Oh,” and some silence. Being reminded that she liked me back made me like her even more. My heart was weak for that kind of thing. My emotions were sensitive to any slight stimulation.

Adrienne had no knowledge of these things. At times, I am sorry to say, I forgot about her while I was interacting with Jackie. But when I talked with Adrienne, I was immediately brought back to her kind sweetness, her good nature, and her other lovable characteristics.

I called Jackie more often after that, but at the same time, there was finally a visible change in my demeanor that was caused by the situation in which I had put myself. For the rest of the following school week, I remained quieter than I usually was. It was not because I was so happy that I could only think of the two girls that I liked and apparently felt the same way about me in return. It was because I was so confused that I liked two girls who also liked me back.

I was thinking that I had to choose one. I could not go on making connections with two different people at the same time. First, it was unethical and immoral. Second, it was unhealthy. I had to choose to either stay with Adrienne, who I liked very much, or to stop what I had with her and try something out with Jackie. Then, there was a third option of doing nothing, and even a fourth option of ending up with no one.

How could I make that kind of decision? Fortunately, the decision was made for me this time.

Party

So there we were, standing in front of her house. Her family’s Toyota van was in the driveway along with another SUV. Other cars were parked on the street, making it impossible to find parking nearby. Surely these cars were of her many relatives and friends that attended. The two-car garage door was opened., while the single-car garage was closed. A DJ was spinning some records inside with a few teenagers standing off to the side. The sun was still out when we arrived, so to them, the party has not yet started.

Joel asked me, “Which one’s Jackie?” I looked up and around, but did not see the face that was on the photograph she had sent me online two months before. To my rescue, I had come with two of the most outgoing guys in school who just happened to be my friend (I was actually quite shy, and still am somewhat—it was a surprise that I met her in the first place being the type that I am).

After I responded that I did not know, Joel went up to the first person he saw. It was a person I later came to know as one of Jackie’s best friends, Charmane. When I first met her, the first thought I had was how unorthodox her name was for a Pinay. Joel asked her where Jackie was, even though he did not know either Jackie or Charmane at the time. And at that moment, a figure appeared from behind the door leading into the house from the garage.

Her gaze went straight to Charmane, who was just turning to look for the answer to Joel’s question. Immediately, all of our sights were set on her. That was it. There she was with quite a puzzled look on her face. Her first impression must have been that Joel was myself because he was the one asking the question. My first impression was that this girl was pretty cute in person. She was as tall as me and not as skinny as her friend Charmane, but I did not care.

I introduced my two companions and myself. We hugged for our first meeting. That moment must have been quite odd. I was not the best looking of guys (and still am not), so I do not know what went on in her head. The one thing I remember was that she had told me earlier not to tell anyone that we met online—we supposedly met through a friend—but nobody ever asked about it.

She was wearing a shirt and a skirt, supposedly having changed out of her jeans after her face was planted into her birthday cake earlier in the day. Her body was slim, though not model-slim. The best way I could describe her was average. She was not overwhelmingly beautiful, nor was she even a hint un-pretty. I just remember being a little more attracted to her once we finally met in person.

We spoke here and there throughout the party. She was busy attending to her other guests. It was her sweet sixteen after all. A few of her other friends had shown up by nightfall. They were the typical high school Asian crowd of 2000. The males had faded, spiked hair; the females were short with straight, lightly colored hair. All were wearing casual clothing with a hint of formality, as was I with my dress shirt and blue jeans.

Joel, having been the break-dance specialist from our high school, took over the dance floor most of the night. Justin followed suit with his own moves. They would use Jackie’s little cousin to clear the floor by swinging him around like a helicopter blade. Once the floor was clear, the two would come out with their individual routines. I joined the action with a few moves of my own. In hindsight, maybe I should not have done so—I was hardly the dancing king.

At one point during the night, my friends had noticed that I had yet to dance with Jackie. Joel took her to dance and then dragged me along to follow them. He soon left us alone, just Jackie and I, dancing near the middle of the garage, quite close to each other, just having fun.

The only song I could remember them playing was Limp Bizkit and Method Man’s “N 2 Gether Now.” I remember that song because I found myself dancing to it again with Jackie a few months later. Every time I hear that song these days, it brings me back. It is not exactly the most romantic of songs to remember, but it is a remembrance nonetheless.

After a few hours, Justin called his mom to pick us up. It was time for us to go home—we were outsiders in their world. Once she arrived, Justin and Joel hopped into the Toyota Forerunner. I took a moment with Jackie to say goodbye on her driveway next to one of the cars there. We hugged and parted our ways, but not before I gave her the present I had finally decided on earlier that day. It did not mean much for me when I gave it to her, but it being what it was, it must have seemed like a big deal.

What I gave her was a necklace with a cross on it. It was worth $16, but I had gotten it for free a few months ago because my sister ordered something from a catalog that my school used as a fundraiser. I had also just gotten a newer necklace with a smaller crucifix a month or two beforehand, so the necklace that I gave Jackie was no longer being used by me. Nevertheless, I gave her the necklace without much thought. All I did think of was that maybe she would like it.

I finally got into the Toyota and left the scene with my two friends. For the rest of the night, she was all that I could think of. It must have been the best night of my life at that point. Even for the duration of the following week, I could only think of her. But everything was not exactly that easy. After all, Adrienne and I were still officially together.

So, even though I did just experience the best night of my life, it was actually the harbinger of the toughest times of my existence. The weeks and months that followed were the most difficult for me, emotionally. It was a roller coaster of feelings affected by the slightest of things. I should have know that I was not getting out of my sophomore year in high school unscathed.