Is This the End?

For a long time now, I have forgotten about everything. It no longer mattered. It no longer played a role in how I lived my daily life. But, now that I am revisiting my past and recounting what happened, the memories become vivid again—the same memories from which I have tried to escape for so long now. Even at this moment, I am dreading having to retell the entire incident for fear of becoming stuck within it again.

This is why it has taken me so long to get to this chapter in my story; however, there is no avoiding it. If I truly feel that it must be told, then I must tell everything.

What followed the dance was a week of hell for me. The dance only served to intensify my feelings towards Jackie and cause more confusion in my life.

That Sunday, I began to feel it more and more. After having slept so soundly with the best day of my life under my belt, I woke up with premonitions of the end.

The following Monday, I was completely quiet at school, even before my closest of friends. The same went for that Tuesday and Wednesday. My silence was so loud that even my friend who I walked with from day to day noticed the difference in my behavior. He asked if anything was wrong, but I shook it off as if nothing had bothered me.

The truth was that everything else was okay in my life except for my “situation.” What made my situation even more difficult was my chat with Adrienne around the beginning of that week, at the start of May. After nearly six months of being “together,” we had yet to see each other’s faces, but it just so happened that Adrienne and her family had a get-together, where she had the opportunity to take pictures. She took that chance to scan the photographs and send them over to me.

I finally saw what Jackie had looked like. She was beautiful, just as I had known. She had this cute face that somewhat resembled an old friend of mine and at the same time resembled the little girl from “Rush Hour” the movie—the one who got kidnapped after having sung Mariah Carrey’s “Fantasy” in the back of their car. The shallower side of me made me like Adrienne more because of those pictures, but a bigger part of me also felt a large amount of guilt towards her because of what had been going on inside my head.

We chatted like usual. I also told her about the dance and what I thought about it. But, like always, we had to cut our conversation short. It was rare for her to be online for even a short time. What is a little weird, however, is that around the time of the dance was when Adrienne and I had started talking with each other more often, as if she had just become more available for me to interact with her.

That whole first half of the week, I had the largest mental battle I had ever had in my life. I could not believe that such a thing was happening to me: two girls whom I had liked also liked me back…at the same time. It was like a dream come true for any other guy, but it had become a nightmare for me.

All of my friends around me who had known kept pressuring me to break up with Adrienne and pursue something with Jackie. That was the typical response whenever I had brought up my situation to anyone. No one I knew ever tried to tell me to stay with Adrienne except myself. In fact, Jackie, herself, was telling me to stay with Adrienne by then.

That Thursday, my situation had escalated (in my head). I had spoken to Jackie online and over the phone about the dance and what I had felt. I had also spoken to Adrienne about the dance and how I had this dilemma inside me.

It was 4 May 2000, after dinner. I was sitting in front of the computer chatting with Adrienne and a few other friends who were online. Adrienne and I had then got to talking about my “situation.” Adrienne kept telling me that if I really did like Jackie, then I should go for it. She was willing to break off the relationship for me to pursue what made me happy. She said that she had felt that way because of how she had gotten together with me. Apparently, she had to give up on another guy because of me. It was hard for me to believe, but I did, and that only made even more difficult to let go.

I thought about it more and more, and even got to chat with Jackie at the same moment. So there we were, all online at once. I was having a private IM conversation with Adrienne and another private IM conversation with Jackie at the same time.

Adrienne’s window was on the top left portion of my screen while Jackie’s was right below. The more I talked with Jackie, the more I liked her. But, she also told me to stay with Adrienne. Everything was so confusing. The two girls whom I had feelings for and had feelings for me were both telling me that I should stay/get with the other if it was what made me happy.

In Adrienne’s case, she told me to go for Jackie because she knew how I felt. She also reassured me that she would always be there for me no matter what I decided. She said that she would be there if it did not work out.

In Jackie’s case, she told me to stay with Adrienne, as if she was afraid to be the cause for a break-up. I knew I liked her and I felt a connection whenever I was with her. The impression that I had gotten from her was that she just did not want to be the reason that I had broken up with anyone but that she also did like me at the same time.

What a dilemma. I did not know what to do—whom to choose. I kept thinking to myself that I had always thought with my brain before that moment, and I always saw that in movies and on television that it was better to think with your heart for such situations. I had never thought with my heart before—I never needed to, nor did I ever have the chance. This was my first experience with such a heart-wrenching moment.

I never had to choose between two things before that I liked so much. I never had to choose between two girls before. I was never even liked by two girls before. From what I had known, I was never liked by any one girl before (though now I know otherwise). All of this had been so new to me. I had never gone through anything like it before in my life. Nothing was even close.

In the end, however, I made a decision that was to change how everything was going to unfold from then onward. With all that I had felt towards Jackie, it was obvious. She was the girl whom I had feelings for from the start. It was only bad timing that prevented anything from happening in the first place. I thought that she was the one who was meant to be.

So, in resolution, I told Adrienne that maybe it had been better off if we stopped what we had. I could not take what was going on anymore. I felt like I was going to explode and collapse in my seat.

In turn, I asked Jackie a question. I asked her if she would consider getting together with me. It had been obvious that I had such strong feelings towards her, and at the same time, she felt something towards me, even if we never said it explicitly to each other.

Once the split from Adrienne had become finalized, I felt a slight release—a relaxation. But after Jackie’s response to my question, everything tightened up. My chest literally contracted, and it became difficult for me to breathe.

Jackie had responded that she “wasn’t ready for a relationship” at that time. It may not mean much to a girl, but to a guy, those words are some of the most difficult to swallow.

I began choking on my own emotions and quickly resolved that it was probably better that way. If I did not know with whom I should be with, it was probably best if I had been with no one. At least, that was what I told myself to make me feel a little better.

In fact, I had hurt so much that I wanted to cry, except that no tears were coming from the ducts in my eyes. I was incapable of crying at that moment—the moment when I really needed to cry the most.

I cannot recall what happened after that. I know that I went to bed with the pain still in my chest. I also know that for about a week or so afterwards, I had reached a whole new decibel of silence previously unsurpassed.

I just needed to not think about it. It brought back the pain every time I did.

Now, however, I feel nothing. Maybe now I am desensitized to it because I have already thought about it so much. Nevertheless, I still remember, even if now it is no longer as painful as it had used to be.

Thereafter, I cut off communications with both Jackie and Adrienne. Adrienne and I were officially over. Jackie, on the other hand, became too difficult for me to talk to. There became awkwardness on my part to talk to her. I did not want to complicate anything more after that.

Much to my surprise, this had not been the end of my story, no matter how much I had wished it were at the moment. Even though I had immediately adopted the mentality of trying to forget, there were some things that just did not go away.

The Dance

Here it was, the big day—Saturday, 29 April 2000. The only way I can remember the exact date is through logic. The Freshman-Sophomore Prom had to be on that date because of what happened five days later, which is actually a more prominent memory, somewhat.

Anyway, that day I got ready. It was still mid-afternoon. I had taken a shower and gotten dressed. There was no doubt that I was excited. I put on my long-sleeve dress shirt, black slacks, tie, and a vest—it was the best stuff I had at the time. Then, I grabbed the corsage and boutonnière from the fridge and hopped in the van with my mom. (I wished that I had my license by then, but I had to do with what I had.)

I arrived at Jackie’s house and walked to her front door. I knocked and Jackie answered the door. It was most likely her because no one else was home and her mother was still getting some things ready. If my memory is wrong, it does not really matter.

I said hello, and she gave me a hug in return. Her mother also greeted me and I greeted her in Tagalog, like I always did with friends’ parents. Jackie asked me if I wanted a drink; I declined. Her mother then told her to get me a drink, not knowing that there had already been an exchange about the matter. Jackie obliged to her mother’s request and filled a tall glass with orange soda. It was Jackie’s favorite drink and favorite color. Because of a certain hold-up, Jackie’s mother told me to let my mother go home and that she would take us instead. I did not protest the request—I actually welcomed it.

Jackie asked if I brought a jacket. I did not have one, so with my response, she resolved to get her own. We were probably thinking the same thing: if I did have a jacket or sports coat, I could lend it to her if it started to get cold, like how it happens in the movies. Of course, I could have just been hoping.

Finally, all was set and we were ready to go. I placed the corsage onto her wrist and she placed the boutonniere on my vest. I gulped down the remaining orange soda wishing not to be disrespectful to their offer, and then we headed out to their van (or it may have been an SUV). We headed to her school, just up the street, and finally started our night.

We were dropped off in the parking lot near the gymnasium as the sun was beginning to set. Other people were being dropped off as well. We said goodbye to her mother and headed to the dance. The first order of business was to look for her friends.

Once inside, we met with her friends while other students were still trickling in. I met each friend as I was introduced. I had been the only one in the group that did not attend their school. In total, there were eleven of us in a group: six guys and five girls. The only names I remember are those of Charmane, Lysette, and Daniel. Apparently, Daniel had signed the form in my name that allowed me to attend. There were others, including a couple that were both “related” to Jackie. It was one of those friendly yet familiarly joking relationships—one was her “daughter” while the other was her “brother” of sorts (he was either her “kuya,” older brother, or she was his “ate,” older sister).

We all found ourselves a large enough table to sit all of us, then headed over to take our pictures. We stood in line for only a short period of time then entered the room to take our group picture. It was only $5 per person and everyone contributed, including myself. Jackie having been the tallest of the girls sat in the middle. The rest of the girls sat next to her, two to each side. The guys then stood behind their dates, while I shared the center behind Jackie with the one guy that went stag. The one thing I remember about him was that he had been mistaken for a teacher by one of the parental chaperones.

It only took a few seconds to get us situated before the photograph had been taken. Once the photographer snapped the picture, we were hurriedly led out for the next group to enter. The most interesting thing about that picture is that to this day, I still have not seen it, even though I paid for it. It actually comes to me in a different form later on.

After getting resettled at our table, the rest of the night became a blur—not because I was intoxicated or anything, but because it was fun overall and only a few things really stuck out as being more fun than the other things. Everyone put their stuff down and left the table to head to the dance floor. Jackie offered her purse to me for my cellular phone, and then led me to dance with her. We danced for a few songs, working up a sweat. Our bodies were close together just as they had been during her birthday party, and we just kept on dancing.

We took a break for a drink and some air some time during the night. During that break I remember her going to take a picture with one of her female friends. I thought to myself that maybe I should take an opportunity to take a picture with her as well, but throughout the night, I never got the chance. It was probably better off that way. While she was away, I tried to fill the air the best I can by conversing with her male friends. None of them drove from what I recall, and most of them were fifteen years old, just like me—duh. It was not long before Jackie returned with her friend and found me sitting next to Daniel (I think). She commented, “Are you trying to steal my friends?” or something to that effect.

We left that matter alone as everyone started heading outside. Lysette, or someone, was apparently crying because one of the other girl friends danced with either Daniel or one of the other guy friends. It was commonplace high school drama. Jackie was her best friend so she went out to console her, leaving me inside the gymnasium standing with Charmane. We just stood there for a second, and I thought to myself that Charmane was actually quite cute, but I was not about to do anything because Jackie had told me a small story about their relationship with each other, plus I was here because of Jackie, not her friends. Charmane suggested that we go outside to join the rest of the group, and that we did. She was the only other person that night that I probably talked to. As soon as the incident was over, or seemingly over, everyone returned to the dance.

The guys got together, excluding myself, and suggested to request from the DJ this popular song by Joe called “I Wanna Know.” From what I recall, they requested it, but it never got played. Nevertheless, everyone went back to dancing, and likewise with Jackie and me.

Before the night was over, we danced some more, including to the same song by Limp Bizkit and Method Man that we had danced to during her birthday party. It feels like such a weird song to remember a girl by, but whenever I do hear that song nowadays, she is whom I think of. We danced the night away, to fast songs and slow. Then before I knew it, the night was over. I had lost my boutonniere some time while we were dancing, but all in all, the night was great. It was probably the most fun I had ever had in one night up until that point in my life, and I felt that it brought me even closer to Jackie than anything else ever had, which may not have been such a good thing.

I called home using my mom’s cellular phone for a ride back, and Jackie called home as well for her mother to pick her up. Her friends had suggested that we all go to Denny’s afterwards but it was too late for me, my mother was on her way without any other form of contact. Jackie informed me that she would probably just go home as well, but later I found out that she had gotten coaxed into going to Denny’s with the rest of her friends. Once my mother was in sight, Jackie and I said our goodbyes. Then, she did something that probably just complicated things for me from then on out, though it was a great feeling. She gave me a kiss on the cheek—something she said she had wished to do the first time we saw each other. She leaned in, and immediately I wanted to reciprocate; however, my mother had arrived and it was time for me to go. I did not want to have a scene for my mother to watch that she could remind me of over and over later on. The night was wonderful and I did not want anything that would ruin that before the night finally ended at home.

For something that had been so much fun, it is actually saddening to know that it was the beginning of the end for me.

Encounter Number Three

It was the beginning of April 2000 and the two of us were still talking on a regular basis. It had been a little while since Jackie had broken up with her boyfriend, and by this time he had all been forgotten. There was no longer mention of him or anything from the past. Neither was there any mention of anything that had ever gone on between Jackie and myself.

Jackie’s high school housed only freshmen and sophomore because it had just been recently opened that school year. Instead of a big prom that usually hosted juniors and seniors, her school opted to host a smaller “Freshmen-Sophomore Prom” that first year. Everyone who was anyone was going, of course, following high school social protocol.

Jackie and her friends decided to all go, but since the advent of Jackie’s recent break-up, she found herself dateless (apparently). So what did she do? She asked me to go with her.

It was during a typical conversation when she had brought it up. She had told me that it was her spring formal. I did not figure it to be such a big deal. I thought she needed a date and I was all she could think of, especially since I felt like I was the only one who talked to her other than her really close friends.

I obliged her request, and just like for her birthday party, I told Adrienne that I was going. Adrienne was okay with it, just like she always was. By this point, Adrienne knew that I had liked Jackie. She knew it was hard for me. She also knew that I still liked her, as well as Jackie. I really thank her for all of her understanding with me. She sent me her best wishes and told me to have fun.

During one of our conversations, Jackie and I spoke about how it was going to work, especially since I did not attend her school. I would have to go over to her house to give her my money for the ticket to the dance, and she and her friends would take care of everything else. All I had to do after that was to show up at her door on the day of the prom.

Not having had been employed at the time, I had to ask my parents for the money. It was not much, just $35 or so. My parents could not tell me no, especially since my older brother had gone to many more expensive high school dances than I had, and my ticket was relatively cheap. I did not have to rent any clothing—tuxedos or suits—and all I needed was for one of them to take me to where I needed to be.

My kind mother provided the money and also provided my transportation to Jackie’s house. To their knowledge, Jackie was probably the closest thing to a girlfriend to me, although I never spoke about any of it in front of them or in front of anybody, actually.

The small trip across town was quick. By side streets, it took about twenty minutes—by freeway would have been longer. It was a Saturday around noon when I arrived at Jackie’s home. I knocked at her door (I rarely ring doorbells so as not to disturb entire households); then someone answered the door. It may have been Jackie’s older sister that did so or it may have been Jackie herself—my memories remain blurred. Whoever it was that answered the door, it did not matter.

I saw Jackie for the third time in my life. We both said hello to each other, I gave her the money, and then we said our goodbyes. It was that quick. I left her front door and walked back to the van. Then, my mom drove home. I do not remember feeling any different after having seen her again. I was not breathing any heavier nor was my heart beating any faster. It was as if I had just visited a normal friend and dropped off a video game or something of that sort. I cannot remember anything else about that day. The memories that I can never forget, however, are those that cover what happened thereafter.

The rest of my story is what I remember the most…

Waiting

So we talked. What did we talk about? We talked about the things teenagers talked about—stuff. What I remember talking most about with Jackie, though, was her boyfriend.

We were both unavailable then, so it was easier to talk about that type of thing. It was a little more comfortable speaking with each other also since we knew that there could not possibly be anything between us. As for me, I felt a little safer knowing that she had a boyfriend and I could not do anything about it. It meant that I could stop thinking about how I liked her, because no matter what she had someone else already.

It was March of 2000 when we started talking more on the phone. What interested me most about our conversations was that they were mostly about how bad of a boyfriend she had. There was something inside of me that hoped she would end it with him so that maybe I would have a chance again. That was such a stupid thought, however, because I was still with Adrienne. How could I possibly have thought that way? But, the fact of the matter was that I did think that way.

I listened to her every word when she spoke over the telephone. I cherished every moment of it, and, like I always had up to that point, I wished those conversations would never end. (What a good boyfriend I was, huh?)

I just let her talk about anything she wanted, and most of the time it was about her significant other who seemed as if he was never there. I felt like I listened to her more than he ever did. Maybe that was true—only she can say. Like usual, though, our conversations never lasted for long. She would have to go for some reason and I would have to call her back some other time, even though she told me that she would call me back immediately.

Every time I heard her voice talking about how bad of a boyfriend she had, I kept wishing and wishing that they would split. I waited. I knew it was inevitable. From how she spoke, I felt that they would not last. She seemed frustrated. I knew she deserved better than him.

Towards the end of the month, I felt the moment coming ever closer. She was growing more upset by his actions, or more accurately, his in-action. Then, one day, during one of our typical conversations, she told me: they had broken up.

It was about time, I thought.

Then, just as fast as they had broken up, my feelings for her returned. Of course, they had been there all along, rooting for the demise of her supposedly bad relationship. Unlike after her birthday party, however, I controlled myself more. I did not have an immediate urge to break it off with my own girlfriend. That would have been hasty and stupid. And, although I was socially stupid back then, I used a little restraint and let her have her space for a while.

I still talked to her over the phone on a regular basis, still listening with my undivided attention. But, since her break-up, I felt like I wanted to know her even more—be even closer to her. I kept my cool and did not change my demeanor when we spoke, but deep down inside, I was jumping with joy knowing that we were still cool with each other even though she was single again and that maybe I again had a chance.

Unexpected

My friend Christian and I were walking around the mall one day, some time late February or early March of 2000. It was a one-storey outlet mall, and we were somewhere one the south side when all of a sudden Christian spotted someone looking in our direction.

The reason Christian and I were there was because he was going to meet up with an old classmate. He had gone to another school our freshmen year of high school and had made little to no friends there. Once he moved back to our city, he met this girl online that had gone to his school and apparently was in his class. They had not spoken in person before that, but knew who each other were. That day at the mall, they were just going to say hello, and like a friend, I came along. Later, they would call each other their “destined friend,” or something to that effect, because even though they had class together before, it was not until they met online that they actually started to become friends.

Before it was time for them to meet, however, we made our way around the mall, just to walk and kill time. I remember that I was wearing the same cargo jeans that I had on at Jackie’s party. Those were my favorite pair of jeans until they were stolen from my P.E. locker—I had to find another favorite pair of jeans after that.

Coincidentally, Jackie, Charmane, and Jackie’s little cousin were also walking around the mall in the opposite direction. I was speaking to Christian when he spotted the two girls looking in my direction as if they knew me. For some reason, I turned to look at them, as if something inside me had told me to turn around as we passed each other. At the same moment, Christian pointed out what he saw, and with a slight glance, I confirmed what he had witnessed.

In fact, they had stopped walking twenty feet behind us and had their bodies pointed directly towards me, waiting for me to acknowledge their presence. And, just as I always do with something that takes me a few seconds to recognize, I gave them a squinted look with a slight tilt of the head and a quizzical thought. Then, after I had recognized Jackie and Charmane, I un-squinted my eyes and began walking in their direction.

We met half way and immediately greeted each other, still with a somewhat surprised look on my face. I then introduced my friend Christian to them and began chatting with Jackie.

It had been a while since we last spoke. It was probably when I heard that she had a boyfriend that I last conversed with her. Looking back now, I believe it was through the internet that I found out, because I am sure that she did not tell me with her own voice.

My friend Christian stood aside while we spoke, while Charmane and Jackie’s cousin walked towards one of the stores to give us privacy. We did not speak for long, just like whenever we spoke on the phone. I had nothing to say, so I ended the conversation quickly, although I did not want to end the moment. I saw that my friend was starting to feel a little awkward, so we said our goodbyes and left each other to whatever we had been doing beforehand.

I was not totally surprised to see Jackie at the mall, though. After all, she did work there at the time. In fact, she worked at the AMC movie theater connected to the mall, just outside of Gameworks. Her sister had worked there and she apparently followed. I had known that and actually expected to see her around the mall that day, though not fully aware of it.

A few minutes later, Christian and I made our way to Gameworks to meet his friend Regina. She was accompanied by her older brother, who I knew was Pilipino, but looked as if he was Latino; he had a shaved head and was wearing a baseball jersey. I was somewhat intimidated by him when I first saw him standing with Regina. I found out later that he was actually intimidated by me sitting there at the high table. (I had a way of dressing in high school that made me look as if I was part of some Asian “mafia” gang. In reality, I was far from being in one. I was the exact opposite with a top-ten ranking and honors.)

Feeling somewhat guilty for having cut all communications with Jackie after her birthday party, I started calling her again. We also started talking online again. For one reason or another, it felt as if I could not just forget about her so easily. There seemed to be something that just would not let us let each other go.