She told me she was a new person. There was no mention of trying to revive any type of relationship, nor was there any mention of anything for the future. She simply asked for my forgiveness for what she did to me.
I wondered how she took my reply to her initial contact with me. Looking back at that time, my words may have been quite harsh—actually, they were very harsh. That usually happened when I began to write; my truly intense emotions come out on the page. When I finally received her second email, however, there was no sign of an emotional reaction to my words.
She explained in purely simple terms why she had distanced herself from me: she had just gotten out of a bad relationship and could no longer trust guys. She felt as if they always hurt her, and she thought that the only way to be safe was to act like one. I had mentioned that her previous boyfriend before she met me had abused her. The boyfriend whom she had gotten together with after her birthday had practically been a nuisance. It was understandable that she would start to think how she did.
I understood her completely, with those simple words that she offered me. But, I still could not forget what she had already accomplished in doing. Although I could see why she acted how she did, I was not completely turned around by it; I was still feeling a sort of animosity towards her. I guess I let one thing get to me, which I was unable to fully comprehend: if she truly wanted to distance herself from me, why did she still act as if we could have had a great relationship with each other.
Maybe she was just being nice, but I thought that she should have at least been honest with me about it. I felt as if she had led me to believe that there had been hope between us, especially when she invited me to be her date for her Freshmen-Sophomore Prom that one year. If she really wanted nothing to do with guys as she had indicated in her email, then there should have never been so much contact between us, no matter how little contact we already had. It was precisely that confusing matter that I could not forget.
I informed her that I had forgiven her long ago, but the memories that she helped in reminding me could not fade so quickly. I knew that she had been hurt, but in her efforts to cure herself of her distrust towards men, I felt as if she had hurt me in the process. I could not think about her in the same light again. Her image in my head had become tarnished since that winter break.
There were a few more exchanges between us after that, to put together the last few pieces in the puzzle. This time around, however, I did not end up calling her or chatting with her online. The conversations were strictly by email with each other. No further contact was established, even though I knew that she attended the same university as a few of my friends and she knew where I had been attending college as well (literally the two closest colleges to each other).
Then, like magic, I started noticing Kyleen more and more at school again. She was still busy with her new hip hop dance troupe that she joined the quarter before, switching from her former modern dance group that had been associated with the university’s largest Chinese organization—she was now in a dance troupe that had stemmed from the Pilipino student organization on campus, so there was more contact between us.
Ironically, every time I had contact with Kyleen for any reason, she always brought up Jackie and her other friends, although I had been in the process of forgetting her again. It was explained to me that she was originally part of Jackie’s core group of best friends when they first started high school. The four of them—Jackie, Kyleen, Charmane, and Lysette—had been split once the new high school opened, closer to Jackie’s house. That explained why Kyleen had possession of my picture, which I still have yet to see to this day. It also explained why Kyleen always mentioned Jackie and her friends whenever she saw me.
Seeing Kyleen more often only intensified my drive to forget Jackie because every time Kyleen came into my sights, I would be reminded of the one girl that hurt me. I needed an outlet for my frustrations, no matter how unwarranted they may have been due to their pure insignificance to more pressing manners.
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