The quarter before, during winter, our Tagalog 10A class had to do group presentations in the form of skits using the Tagalog/Filipino that we had learned. This spring quarter, our Tagalog 10B class had to do the same, using the more complicated verbs that we learned. In addition, the Tagalog 10A class that was also being taught concurrently had to do their own skits/presentations during the final day.
To add to my final presentation, the professor personally asked me to do lyrical piece for the final day. My classmate was also asked to sing a song in Tagalog that day. We agreed, knowing that we were probably the most fluent in the class (which may have been a bit unfair to the curve).
I debated with myself on which piece I should do, because during the regular class, I had already submitted a few Tagalog pieces (rhythmic poetry) that I had written as part of our “laboratory” assignments. I decided to go with the only other piece I had up my sleeve, which was my story about my time with Jackie. (See “My Solace” 2007.03.12 and “Sunny Rain” 2007.03.19)
The problem I had, however, was that the second part of the piece was all in English, and I was in a Tagalog class. Quickly I worked on a translation/new piece that would go well with the first verse. Here is what came about:
Kinalimutan kita; dalawang taon nilampasan
Nakarating ang panahon na di na kita inaasahan
Pero biglang pinag-alala ng iyong kaibigan
Noong isang araw na di na kita pinag-iisipan
Sumulat ka ng liham; pinaliwanag mo sa akin
Kung bakit ka ganoon noon, at sa’kin ay inamin
Bumalik ang gunitang bulok at naintindihan ka
Pero ayaw ko naman itong matapos na masama
Kaya ngayon naman pinagbibigyan kita
Gusto ko lang kasing malaman kung mabuti ka pa
Alam ko naman kung saan ka nag-i-eskwela
Kailangan ko lang yata na ika’y aking makita
Ng aking mata, kahit ‘sang beses man lang
Nasa aking utak na ukol sa’yo
Kasi lahat nito’y talagang nakakagulo
Roughly translated, it reads:
I forgot you (intentionally); two years went past
The time came when I no longer longed for you
But suddenly your friend gives a reminder
The one day when I no longer thought of you
You wrote a letter; you explained to me
Why you were that way before, and you admitted to me
Rotten memories returned, and you were understood
But I don’t want this to end badly
That is why I am forgiving you now
I just want to know if you are still doing well
I already know where you go to school
I just think that I need to see you
With my eyes, even just one time
Just to say goodbye and to say what
Is on my mind about you
Because all of this is really confusing
This is where the title of this whole thing actually comes from, “Nakakagulo.” The whole piece put together, the first verse, the English parts, and this part, are collectively entitled, “Talagang Nakakagulo,” which means really confusing, when used in that context.
It is what I honestly felt for her at the time, and I did not know that all of it would come out that way and in those words. It was a very short summary of what had happened since I last spoke with her during high school: I forgot about her, her friend reminds me of her, she writes me to explain what she did, and then old memories return. I went on to describe the fact that I did not really want things to end the way they already had—with some sour emails from me to her. All I really wanted was to see her again, say goodbye if need be, and just talk, because it really was confusing.
The confusion was originally between Adrienne and Jackie. Afterwards, however, the confusion was because I did not know if Jackie really liked me or not. Towards the end, I was simply confused about what to do with her, because I finally knew her reasons, but there was no way to take anything back. It really just sums everything up until that point.
I ended up performing the Tagalog portions of “Talagang Nakakagulo” in front of both Tagalog classes on the day of the final presentations, commenting that for the people that cannot understand, it was okay, because it just kept me safe (from them knowing about my past). The most interesting thing to me was that Kyleen was in the room (part of the Tagalog 10A class), while I was performing the piece. I knew that she probably did not understand a single word I said, and if she did, she probably did not know that the friend I was referring to was her.
In a way, I wanted Kyleen to know what was going on, so that she could laugh along with me at the irony, and at the same time, so that she could maybe help me. On the other hand, I did not want her to know because it would have complicated things between us. From how she spoke to me, and how nonchalant she was about talking to me about Jackie’s whereabouts, I knew that Jackie had probably not told her anything about me. I suspected that even at that time, Jackie had probably not told a soul about me.
I respect her decisions about that. It was too weird of a story to share with anyone. I doubt that she had even told Charmane or Lysette about me; it was even more unlikely that she told her older sister or mother. She was the one who wanted them to think that the two of us had met through a friend, rather than AOL. Furthermore, I doubt that I even played a big enough role in her life to mention me to anyone. That thought kind of makes me a bit sad, but it is her business, not mine.
I do appreciate her efforts to reconcile things with me in the first place earlier that December, no matter how difficult I may have been to communicate with. That gesture meant that I at least was a big enough part of her story that I warranted an explanation, even if it was only in the form of an email. That is probably the thing that I respect about her most—her effort to reconcile matters with me, under her own volition.
In the past, it was always me who had to provoke a conversation out of her; I was the one who put in the effort to talk and communicate. That time around, however, she was the one who struck first. I never thanked her for doing that, although I did thank her for explaining things to me.
She changed my life, and my perspectives on life, just by being a part of it. I guess that is the most I can ask out of her. I am glad that her experience with me also prompted her to change for the better (so she says).
After further thinking, I resolved to attempt a final contact with her that summer, so that I could finally say my “goodbye” to her, and tie up any loose ends. That was the only thing left for me to do, I thought, so that was exactly what I did, or at least tried to do.
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